His hand through it all.

As I read and re-read the pages of my journal. The verses, the prayers, the cries for hope and rest, I see God’s hand through it all. It is an emotional journey to look back in hindsight and see that at just the right time, in the darkest, lowest moments, I was writing down profound thoughts and prayers. Little did I know that at the same time my prayers and cries were being answered. God had placed in my heart the need for me to prayer for the people in my life. I prayed for healing for close friends and family members who were suffering physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. I prayed for peace, calm and hope in their lives. Did I not think to pray these things over myself? There I was in a self-proclaimed ‘prison’ of despair and depression, hurting and aching to be free and yet my thoughts and prayers were turned to others and the burdens they were struggling with. I can confidently say without a doubt, these thoughts were not easily given up. As many know, depression is a self-absorbed disease; it often leads the depressed to focus inwardly on their own needs as they strive to free themselves from the pain. How is it possible then that I not only thought these things, but prayed them and then completely forgot about it until now? Where did this desire to pray and care for others come from? Answer: The Lord God who reigns! Get this: God, my Redeemer, not only gave me the desire and momentary strength to pray for the people in my life, but He also answered my prayers. Healing, peace and calm washed over those people I had prayed for and they were, in turn, not only able to, but emotionally and spiritually strong enough to uplift, encourage and carry me throughout my pain. How incredible is my God?

An Excerpt.

[Taken from my journal entry on August 27, 2009: through the trial.]


I hold onto hope, I will not let go. I am reminded of the worship song entitled, ‘Come Just As You Are.’ The lyrics ring in my mind.

“Come just as you are; hear the Spirit call. Come just as you are. Come and see, come receive, come and live forever. Life everlasting and strength for today. Taste the living water and never thirst again.”

I want strength for today, tomorrow and the next day. I rejoice in my struggles. I also rejoice in the love of God, I praise Him for when I am weak then He is strong. My God is so big, so strong and so mighty, there’s nothing my God cannot do for me and anyone who calls on Him. The most important thing I remember is that, because of His great compassion and undying love for me, His child, He wants me to rely on Him. God wants to heal me of my past hurts; no matter what state I am in, no matter the stage of desperation I am going through. God wants me just as I am, at this time. If God's power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor. 12:9) then should I not allow God to have all the glory and give Him complete control of what I am going through? If I don't, perhaps God is not receiving all the glory I can offer Him, even if it is glory through my sufferings.

Jesus quotes in Luke 4, a passage from Isaiah 61 which says, "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because He has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

Isaiah states chapter 61 verses 1-3, "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

I feel the need to give over that spirit of despair, to release to God my mourning; I give it up to God so that not only may I receive the replacements of the oil of gladness and a garment of praise, but in doing so God may receive glory and His splendor may be displayed

God is my ultimate comforter and healer. He can help me forgive past hurts. He can heal emotional scars from years of hurts and wounds… Not only heal, but remove – as if they were never there. Nothing is impossible for Him.

My prayer is that my life would be filled with forgiveness and healing.