Joyful In Hope (this is kind of intense)

Romans 12:9-13 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality.


As I read and re-read the above passage, my mind rests on the line 'be joyful in hope.' Why would God include the instructions to be joyful in hope along with patient in affliction and faithful in prayer? Hope is a joyful thing; so how difficult is it to be joyful in hope?

I just learned how I can have hope and not be joyful. I did not just learn it; I just realized that I had been there. Recently, I had not been joyful in hope, and I did not know it until just now. When I was in the bottomless pit of despair, I cried out for relief. My crying was not always to God, but mostly just crying out for any relief. At times thoughts of how I could my end pain would enter my mind as I searched for relief.. Most of my thoughts were not focused on how I could off myself, but rather thoughts and feelings of agony because I could not end my life (on my terms anyway). It was not that I was too scared or too chicken to commit suicide, and it was not that I was not in enough pain and despair to do it (because, believe me, the pain was there constantly). The thing that kept me hanging on to the pain and suffering and kept me from killing myself was my hope in God. Sounds nice, peaceful, calming and joyful, right? I mean, it's hope. Even the word 'hope' sounds nice. But, nope, not for me. I had no joy in my hope, no peace, no comfort from my hope. Instead, I felt more pain, deeper despair and worse agony. I would cry out, 'why? Why do I to have to have this hope and suffer in this way?' I was definitely not rejoicing in hope as God says in Romans 12 to do. I despised my hope. I was in agony because I wanted to at least have the option of escape (by hurting myself, suicide or even occasional suicidal thoughts). Like I said, I could not even bring myself to think I had the option of suicide, cutting or hurting myself in some way, because those are not the kind of thoughts a person who places hope in God should have. All I knew was that I wanted the pain and torment to be gone immediately. Along with despising my hope, I held other feelings towards it. Not only did I feel the need to hang on because I professed hope in God, but I knew the love my family and friends had invested in me. Because of them, because I could not put them through so much agony and grief as to losing me in such a horrid way, I could not bring myself to think thoughts of suicide. It was (as I see in hindsight) the love of Christ in them. In that sense, I did not mind my hope (yet, I still was not joyful in it). I needed my hope to 'be strong' (or at least alive) for them, even if it meant me suffering forever chained up in a prison of depression (which, at the time, I thought is what it meant).

"Lord," I pray, "Give me the joy that comes with the right kind of hope, hope in You, for joy in false hopes, is not the right kind of joy."

Galatians 5:1 says, "It was for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Even slavery to depression. God wants to break the chains of depression and despair.

Romans 8:35-39 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written, "For your sake, we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

My Only Hope

As I sit in prison without any hope or chance of freedom, I cry out for some relief:



"Lord," I pray, "lift my burdens. As I suffer through this trial, may all glory and honor be to Your name above all else! God, please continue to strengthen me; the battle against me is stronger than ever as I fight against feelings of guilt and self-pity. Teach me Your ways, O, Lord! Reveal to me the mystery of You. Bless my efforts as I strive to survive in this pit of despair and suffering. You are my (only) hope. I want more of You, Lord."

Hebrews 11:1 "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Romans 5:2b-5 "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us."

2 Corinthians 12:7-10  "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in harsdhips, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Letters from Prison

If anyone actually knew the depth of depression I am dealing with, then they might commend me for the strength I have displayed thus far. They might offer a polite smile, hug or pat on the back. If they knew the morbid thoughts that rage through my mind each day, then they might ask what it is like to be sentenced to life in prison, chained to despair forever.


Let me give a brief description. This imprisonment is unlike the 'easy' way out electric chair/quick death, it is a sentence to 'life'. Bound. Locked up. Alone. There is no bail set that can pay the way out. There was never a trial by jury; there was not a trial at all. There was just a sentence to eternal imprisonment; a complete hopeless case. I have been unjustly sentenced to serve infinity in this prison with no chance for freedom.